Do you ever feel like you’re running on empty? As if you’re in a state of deep mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion? It’s particularly common among adults who find themselves juggling lots of demands and responsibilities, and it tends to show up as profound fatigue, irritability, and a loss of purpose. The solution is complex, but I believe self-compassion plays a key role.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion has three core components. Together, these different elements create a way of relating to yourself that is both honest about your pain and kind in response to it.
Rather than ignoring your pain or berating yourself with self-criticism, self-kindness means being warm and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. It’s about actively supporting yourself like you would a good friend.
Common humanity involves recognising suffering and personal inadequacy as part of the shared human experience. When we remember imperfection is part of being human, we feel less isolated in our struggles.
Mindfulness requires that we hold our painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness. We acknowledge our difficulties without becoming overwhelmed or defining ourselves by them.
4 Reasons You Might Struggle with Self-Compassion
On paper, these concepts seem fairly simple. Just be kind to yourself and remember you’re human! But I’ve watched enough clients struggle with self-compassion to know it’s rarely that easy. Here are some of the reasons you might find it challenging…
1. Echoes from Your Past
The way we were spoken to as children often becomes the way we speak to ourselves as adults. If you grew up with critical parents, teachers, or caregivers who believed harsh criticism was the path to improvement, it’s possible you’ve internalised this approach. The inner voice that now criticises you for every misstep may sound a lot like an echo from your past.
2. It Feels Self-Indulgent
One of the worries I repeatedly see in the therapy room is that self-compassion is self-indulgent. Perhaps you’re worried you’re making excuses for your own poor performance or behaviour. Or you might be afraid giving yourself compassion will make you lazy and self-pitying.
3. You Believe You Don’t Deserve It
Some people strongly believe they don’t deserve self-compassion. This is often connected to core beliefs about being fundamentally flawed, defective and not ‘good enough’. When a person has felt shame about who they are for most of their lives, self-compassion can feel fraudulent – it simply doesn’t land. This is especially true for those who have experienced trauma or neglect.
4. That’s Just How Our Brains Have Evolved
The more vulnerable, stressed, or threatened we feel, the more primitive parts of our brain take over. Our threat detection system, centred in the amygdala, evolved to keep us alive in a dangerous world. When this system activates, it prioritises survival over everything else.
In the past, being excluded from the group meant your survival chances took a nose-dive, so our brains evolved to be hypersensitive to social threats. When we fail or make mistakes, especially in ways that might affect our social standing, our threat system can interpret this as serious danger. Instead of responding with kindness, we attack ourselves because, from an evolutionary perspective, harsh self-criticism might have served to change behaviour quickly, prevent social exclusion, or demonstrate contrition to the group.
When we’re depleted or running on empty, our prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for perspective-taking, emotional regulation, and rational thought) also goes offline. The primitive threat detection system takes over, and we lose our capacity for self-reflection and compassion. We become reactive, harsh, and rigid in our thinking, seeing ourselves through a lens of threat rather than care.
Why We Need to Build More Self-Compassion
Despite the challenges outlined above, it is possible to build more self-compassion. But why bother?
Overall, self-compassion significantly improves mental health and emotional wellbeing. It is strongly associated with reduced anxiety, depression, and stress, and it’s also linked to greater life satisfaction, happiness, and emotional intelligence. When we practice self-compassion, we’re less likely to ruminate on negative experiences or engage in destructive self-talk. We experience more emotional stability and fewer mood swings.
Self-compassion motivates positive change more effectively than self-criticism. Brene Brown says shame is like ‘the dagger in your back’. It gets you moving, but it’s effect is short-lived. When we criticise ourselves harshly, we are more likely to become defensive, feel hopeless or paralysed by shame. Self-compassion provides a secure base from which to acknowledge our flaws and take constructive action.
Here are some other benefits:
- Self-compassion allows us to learn from our mistakes without dwelling on them.
- Self-compassion helps us persist after failure and set challenging goals.
- Self-compassion builds genuine resilience in the face of difficulty.
- Self-compassion enhances our relationships and capacity for authentic connection.
- Self-compassion makes it easier to maintain healthy boundaries so you can say no without guilt or fear and yes without resentment.
- Self-compassion helps you make decisions based on who you are and your values rather than being guided by fear of judgement, guilt or rejection.
3 Practical Tips to Build More Self-Compassion
As I’ve already said, self-compassion is a skill that can be built and developed over time. As human beings, we cycle through a range of emotions and deal with numerous inconveniences and challenges on a daily basis, so there’s plenty of opportunity to practice! If you do this now, you’ll have the skills you need to navigate truly testing times. Here are some tips to get started…
1. Try to Notice Emotional Shifts
Acknowledge and label what you’re experiencing without judgement. We don’t want any of the extra stuff like, ‘ugh why am I feeling like this again’. Instead, use statements like, ‘I’m noticing my stomach is in knots’, ‘I’m noticing my thoughts are racing’ or ‘I’m noticing a sense of dread’. This puts you in an observer position, creating some distance between yourself and the emotions you’re experiencing. This gives you a bit of choice and control over what you do next, rather than being completely led by the emotion.
2. Validate Your Emotions
Often, our emotions make sense if we view them in context, i.e. our current circumstances and the unique experiences that have shaped our fears. If this doesn’t work, the bottom line is you aren’t actively choosing these emotions. You don’t want to feel this way and it’s not your fault that you do. Try to shift your thinking by viewing the situation or experience as if it was happening to someone you cared deeply about.
3. Take Action
Take some time to slow down, breathe and ground yourself. Allow yourself to fully feel what you’re feeling for at least 60 seconds. How can you care for yourself in this moment?
This part can be tricky as there’s no one size fits all solution. Sometimes we need to problem solve. Sometimes we need to face our fears and step out of our comfort zone. Sometimes we need to do nothing and focus on rest or connection instead. Whatever the answer is, we need to be flexible. We don’t have to get it perfectly right. If our intention is to care for ourselves, it will undoubtedly help.
Meet Jo – Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and EMDR Therapist in Knutsford, Cheshire
With more than 18 years of experience in the field of mental health, I help people gain clarity and untangle themselves from the past so they can experience more fulfilment and joy. If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article, please get in touch. You can also join me on Instagram for more mental health education.
